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I've Lost

April 17, 2011
There is something so comforting about defeat. The anxiety about how I will somehow manage to “win” the day is gone. I've already lost. There is a lack of logic to it, I know. There should be some sense of despair looking into a future where none of the events are f your choosing..none of the events are what you desired. There is that sense, but it is somehow less when compared to the realization that you were never going to get what you wanted anyway.

Now, there is the conversation. I've been going over the conversation in my head repeatedly all weekend. The fight isn't completely leached out of my body yet. It repulses me to given in. This wasn't a competition where there is a set of rules and the inevitable outcome of a winner and a loser. We are all on the same “team” so to speak...yet, we aren't. Her team and her rules and if I continue to challenge her, I WILL live to regret it. I keep trying to convince myself that submission is worth to everyone and everything but my ego, but what remains of my ego and sense of self is still strong. Surprisingly strong even. This conversation...this speech...well it is my ego's last stand. Very last stand.

It is weird, how as some truths become more and more evident, some mysteries manage to deepen themselves. Unfortunately, some truths are really mysteries for which it was more convenient to believe and easy solution. Some mysteries are truths for which it was more convenient to ignore the easy solution.